Right in the Middle of It

For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, 

it must come completely undone. 

The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. 

To someone who doesn't understand growth, 

it would look like complete destruction.

~Cynthia Occelli

Some days, it feels as if I've been on this journey to discover (the) real joy forever - and not in a good way... I get so impatient, berating myself for not having achieved more, for not having progressed farther along this path. Even though I know the journey has value, has purpose, has meaning, I still just want to get to the end of it. To be done. To arrive. It would appear, even after all of this, that I remain hopelessly results-driven.

There is a beautiful discipleship model that I've become acquainted with over the past couple of years. So much of the approach resonates deeply with me. One of the major components is called a huddle - a group of six to twelve people (a la Jesus' twelve disciples) with one person as the leader or teacher. This group intentionally learns and explores and seeks God and grows together for a year or two, and then members are sent out to start forming their own huddles, and so on and so on. Ideally, the leader is one who has gone through the huddle/discipleship process him/herself. It's the "follow me as I follow Christ" idea. (1 Corinthians 11:1)

Obviously, there's much more to it than what I've outlined above, but you get the gist. From my very first introduction, I felt that I should be capable of leading one of these groups. I mean, I've been a Jesus-follower for almost 35 years now. I've held a lot of leadership positions. But even a quick glance at my life makes me shudder at the thought of inviting others to follow me as I follow Christ? As much as I hate to admit it, I'm still in need of discipling. (Gotta say, it did make me feel better to hear a pastor recently confess to the same need.) Most of my faith journey has been much like a do-it-yourself course - I didn't think I needed anyone to teach me. (I think I've mentioned my long history of fierce independence here before.) I look back with both gratefulness and regret, recalling the multitude of godly people by which I've been surrounded for so much of my life. I could have gleaned so much from them! Sadly, more often than not, I'd either shut them out or worse yet, compare myself to them, criticizing and judging in a feeble attempt to plump up a suffering self-esteem. All on my own (insert tongue in cheek here) I've become a reasonably respected and accomplished worship leader, writer and speaker. No mentor. No classes or courses or instruction, per se. (I'll be the first to admit that there have been many, many wonderful people who've contributed to these accomplishments - it just makes me sad now to think how things might be different if I'd swallowed my pride and fear and deliberately sought to learn from them...)

Which leads me to the title of this post and the quote at the top (in a round-about kind of way):

For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, 

it must come completely undone. 

The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. 

To someone who doesn't understand growth, 

it would look like complete destruction.

~Cynthia Occelli

I have not arrived. I will not arrive until I arrive Home. On the contrary, I'm right in the middle of the messiness of growth and discovery and metamorphosis. I'm feeling "completely undone", like my insides are spilling all over the place, that everything's changing. Again. Still! And that's disturbing. Unsettling. Not comfortable, not familiar, not easy. Sometimes it does feel like "complete destruction". But it's good. Oh, so good. Once again, I get to learn to make peace with that which is not by nature peaceful - change. I can carry the unchanging peace that Jesus offers right into the middle of the fray. 

(I'm hoping that a discipling relationship will come along for me. I still do my share of questioning God's timing, but I know Him well enough by now to rest assured that He will provide what's needed when needed. He's good like that.) 

I know I used this verse just a few posts ago, but I guess I need to be reminded of it again (and again and again...). Maybe you do, too?

...being confident of this, 

that He who began a good work in you 

will carry it on to completion 

until the day of Christ Jesus. 

Philippians 1:6