My most significant weakness, the big one that affects every single aspect of my life, the one that has held me back from success and deep relationships and caused me to miss so many amazing opportunities - is laziness! Perhaps I've confessed that before here, in one way or another? My lazy perfectionism, my lack of discipline, my tendency to quit when the going gets the least bit rough, my write-a-blog-post-every-three-months habit...~smile~ I know how unbiblical laziness is, I know Proverbs points lazies to the commendable ant's work ethic and predicts doom and destruction for those so inclined, but my most excellent pastor's text this morning caused me to see all this in a brand-new light:
"...let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus..." Hebrews 12:1b, 2a
Being the lazy person I am, I've gotten pretty good at asking God to change me, remake me, undo me, transform me, etc... relying firmly on the "not of yourself, it is the gift of God" thing in Ephesians 2. I'd repent, surrender, beg God to change me...then sit back and wait for something to happen! (and then get terribly discouraged when nothing did...) Now I don't know about you, but the above verses from Hebrews seem to suggest to me some action! Lots of verbs in that short passage, throwing off and running...very active verbs, to boot! When I picture someone doing what that verse suggests, I see big movement, active participation, planned and thoughtful motion! Motion with exclamation points! ~smile~ And not only does it suggest action, the verb tense may indicate a repeated, continual action, particularly the racing imagery - one doesn't just run a single pace, one continues to put one foot in front of the other until the race is completed (or until one collapses from exhaustion three minutes in...). I'm coming to see the whole thing as a continuous, keep-on-keeping-on kind of exercise. "Let us keep on throw(ing) off everything that hinders...and let us keep on run(ning) with perseverance..." For me, this changes everything! I have a part to play in this "change my heart, O God" operation!
Lest I alarm anyone with all this "me" talk, let us continue on to the last bit I quoted above: "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus". That's what makes any of this possible at all. Without Him, I can't even take one step, let alone hope to finish the race. But that's the part I knew already, it just didn't help me because I was waiting for Him to swoop in and make me thin and my bank account fat and my house clean, make me disciplined, make me practice hospitality, make me show love to others...His power + my action = a step in the right direction!
I think that's all for now. Next is to take a good look at my life and determine what exactly is hindering and entangling me, so I can throw it off, and keep throwing it off! Looking forward to some serious self-evaluation and reflection - definitely not something that comes naturally for me. And some action! God's already shown me some places where I can get moving right away - literally! I have been so very weary and unmotivated and apathetic and discouraged for weeks now, and I just couldn't get to the root of the problem - until today. Excited and wary and cautiously hopeful - I know exactly how much running hurts, and am anticipating how hard it will be to actually throw off that which hinders and entangles... Bless you, Friend, for journeying along with me - may you know real joy today!
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Remembrance
I was sitting in church this morning, waiting for the deacons to serve the communion bread. I was praying silently, "You have done so much for me, God...." when I had a sudden realization: God hasn't just done "so much" - He's done it ALL! My salvation is complete in Him, my freedom from sin and self is thoroughly accomplished in Him, my acceptance into His family as His precious daughter is DONE in Him! There are no hoops to jump through, no tests to pass, no striving to make it - it's DONE! You know that old hymn, "Jesus Paid It All"? He really did! Hallelujah!
Pastor Mike was talking about remembering today, remembering the high price paid for our freedom as a country. I am so thankful for those men and women who were and are willing to give their very lives for my freedom and for the freedom of my children and their children, though they didn't/don't even know me. It's pretty mind-boggling! And as amazing as their sacrifice was/is, how awesome is it that Jesus made that ultimate sacrifice not for my rights and privileges as a Canadian, but to purchase my freedom for life and eternity! And not for some unknown stranger in a generation yet to come, but already knowing every little thing about me...knowing I would betray Him, I would forget Him, I would take Him for granted, I would be selfish and lazy and unloving and ungrateful and deceitful and selfish some more... I want to remember. I want so much to live in an atmosphere of Christ, sharing every thought, every joy, trial, struggle, battle, triumph, every breath a prayer. And I think an important step to getting there is remembering that Jesus has indeed done it ALL. I can't seem to get away from the cliche "let go and let God..." because it's true! I have absolutely no need to hold on to anything because He's already done it all, already planned it all out, already written the story - and even promised that the ending is really good! What freedom there is in knowing that everything's been taken care of, all the little details have been attended to, all the i's dotted and t's crossed...by the One who loved me enough to sacrifice everything for my sake! Why, oh why can't I rest in this? Why, oh why do I continue to scurry around as if everything were up to me, as if I were the one in control? May we learn to rest in those oh-so-capable arms that are so very willing to hold us, and in doing so, may we take one more step towards finding real joy. Bless you, Friends!
Pastor Mike was talking about remembering today, remembering the high price paid for our freedom as a country. I am so thankful for those men and women who were and are willing to give their very lives for my freedom and for the freedom of my children and their children, though they didn't/don't even know me. It's pretty mind-boggling! And as amazing as their sacrifice was/is, how awesome is it that Jesus made that ultimate sacrifice not for my rights and privileges as a Canadian, but to purchase my freedom for life and eternity! And not for some unknown stranger in a generation yet to come, but already knowing every little thing about me...knowing I would betray Him, I would forget Him, I would take Him for granted, I would be selfish and lazy and unloving and ungrateful and deceitful and selfish some more... I want to remember. I want so much to live in an atmosphere of Christ, sharing every thought, every joy, trial, struggle, battle, triumph, every breath a prayer. And I think an important step to getting there is remembering that Jesus has indeed done it ALL. I can't seem to get away from the cliche "let go and let God..." because it's true! I have absolutely no need to hold on to anything because He's already done it all, already planned it all out, already written the story - and even promised that the ending is really good! What freedom there is in knowing that everything's been taken care of, all the little details have been attended to, all the i's dotted and t's crossed...by the One who loved me enough to sacrifice everything for my sake! Why, oh why can't I rest in this? Why, oh why do I continue to scurry around as if everything were up to me, as if I were the one in control? May we learn to rest in those oh-so-capable arms that are so very willing to hold us, and in doing so, may we take one more step towards finding real joy. Bless you, Friends!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Routine...
I'm writing a book - did I tell you that? Do you know the one thing I believe to be essential to writing a book, or any grand undertaking, for that matter? DISCIPLINE! Wanna know my biggest weakness? DISCIPLINE! Argh! I've discovered something about myself lately, and it's driving me crazy because I have no idea how on earth to overcome it - I'm a lazy perfectionist! Oxymoron, right? Well, what it boils down to for me is that if I don't think a particular thing/task/goal will be easy to do/achieve perfectly, I don't even want to attempt it. Up until very recently, I didn't think I was a perfectionist at all; in fact, I prided myself on my non-perfectionism! It seemed that the author of virtually every blog I read was outing herself as a "recovering perfectionist" and all they wrote about was how to slow down, how focus on yourself, how to be ok with "good enough", and so on...Well, as a stay-at-home unschooling family, we're about as slow as you can go (which I love!), and I've always been ok with "good enough", particularly in all things clean.~grimace~ I didn't fit the traditional "perfectionist" mold, so I thought I was ok. I mean, sure, I had other issues, but not that, right? Wrong!
Which makes it really hard to write a book! I'm convinced it's something I'm supposed to attempt, I believe I have something of value to share, but sitting down and actually writing it? Or even scheduling time to sit down and write? Setting up a routine for myself and my family that includes quiet, uninterrupted time for Mommy to work on her book on a regular basis? I'm realizing that, in spite of my mania for to-do lists and punctuality, I've been the kind of person who just lets life happen, who goes with the flow, with whatever will most easily produce the closest-to-perfect results...Ugh! I don't want to live like that! I want to live with purpose, to make my days count, to intentionally raise my kids to love and serve Jesus, to purposefully find ways to let my husband know he's loved and valued, to reach out into my world and share a message of hope and joy...I want to know what it is to sacrifice, to put forth a real effort, to try, even to fail! But the thing is, I get bursts of resolve like this every so often, I put forth an effort for a bit, then the inevitable "something" comes up, and I find a good excuse to go back to the way things were, the way I was. I'm so tired of that vicious cycle. It's a trap - a self-sufficiency trap. As long as I believe I can pull myself up by my bootstraps (do you have boots with straps? I don't...) and succeed just by trying harder, by putting forth more effort, even by employing time management tricks and putting into place the magic "right" routine, I will remain trapped in this circle of trying and failing.
Solution? Stop striving. Let go. Let God... I know that's cliche by now, but it most accurately expresses what's on my mind tonight. You know, I was thinking of this verse in Colossians that I wanted to use to make my point, when Paul says that he's "struggling with all His energy, which so powerfully works in me". (Col. 1:29) Not my energy, but His energy...When I went to biblegateway.com to find the verse, I had to laugh because I forgot what Paul was struggling with all His energy to do: "to present everyone perfect in Christ"! (1:28) Perfect in Christ! ~smile~
I have a feeling, however, that this discovery (or re-discovery, 'cause I know this stuff, I just forget - a lot!) is only the very beginning; that now a long process is in order to reprogram my brain and adjust to a new way of thinking - again - and that perseverance and trust will become the names of the game. I am so very thankful that God never gives up on me, no matter how many times a lesson needs to be drilled into my heart and head. Hope is a beautiful thing! Bless you, my Friends! May you know real joy today!
Which makes it really hard to write a book! I'm convinced it's something I'm supposed to attempt, I believe I have something of value to share, but sitting down and actually writing it? Or even scheduling time to sit down and write? Setting up a routine for myself and my family that includes quiet, uninterrupted time for Mommy to work on her book on a regular basis? I'm realizing that, in spite of my mania for to-do lists and punctuality, I've been the kind of person who just lets life happen, who goes with the flow, with whatever will most easily produce the closest-to-perfect results...Ugh! I don't want to live like that! I want to live with purpose, to make my days count, to intentionally raise my kids to love and serve Jesus, to purposefully find ways to let my husband know he's loved and valued, to reach out into my world and share a message of hope and joy...I want to know what it is to sacrifice, to put forth a real effort, to try, even to fail! But the thing is, I get bursts of resolve like this every so often, I put forth an effort for a bit, then the inevitable "something" comes up, and I find a good excuse to go back to the way things were, the way I was. I'm so tired of that vicious cycle. It's a trap - a self-sufficiency trap. As long as I believe I can pull myself up by my bootstraps (do you have boots with straps? I don't...) and succeed just by trying harder, by putting forth more effort, even by employing time management tricks and putting into place the magic "right" routine, I will remain trapped in this circle of trying and failing.
Solution? Stop striving. Let go. Let God... I know that's cliche by now, but it most accurately expresses what's on my mind tonight. You know, I was thinking of this verse in Colossians that I wanted to use to make my point, when Paul says that he's "struggling with all His energy, which so powerfully works in me". (Col. 1:29) Not my energy, but His energy...When I went to biblegateway.com to find the verse, I had to laugh because I forgot what Paul was struggling with all His energy to do: "to present everyone perfect in Christ"! (1:28) Perfect in Christ! ~smile~
I have a feeling, however, that this discovery (or re-discovery, 'cause I know this stuff, I just forget - a lot!) is only the very beginning; that now a long process is in order to reprogram my brain and adjust to a new way of thinking - again - and that perseverance and trust will become the names of the game. I am so very thankful that God never gives up on me, no matter how many times a lesson needs to be drilled into my heart and head. Hope is a beautiful thing! Bless you, my Friends! May you know real joy today!
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Live the Journey
I have been enjoying the most freedom-filled holiday...it's almost beyond words! It's the annual Grandkids' Weekend at my parents' place, where they are currently playing hosts to 5 wonderful children, ages 2 to 10. My sister and I wanted to be near in case the little ones needed us, so we decided to take a room in a lovely retreat centre about 20 minutes away from all the fun in Avondale. And what a place! We're the only guests here, and have been served and pampered and fed to our hearts' content - it's been wonderful! And the talking! My sister and I have not had more than an hour together, sans children, in 10 years! A sister is like a best friend, only better because of all the shared history. :) We've been enjoying a weekend of reminiscing down various memory lanes, as well as thoroughly discussing our present joys and struggles, and sharing our hopes for the future. My sister is a very wise woman, and I can't begin to describe all that I've learned from her, this weekend alone! But as we've been talking, a few patterns have emerged that I think relate to this quest for (the) real joy that I'm on...
Forgiveness and release: Everyone and their dog has issues that stem from childhood, it's unavoidable. Unless we learn differently, we tend to persist in these patterns of behaviour right up into adulthood. An important step on the great and glorious path to freedom is recognizing the roots of those issues, laying it all on the cross, forgiving those involved that need forgiving and releasing them from further blame/responsibility for our misery, habit, issue, etc... There comes a time in each person's life when, regardless of our past, we need to assume responsibility for our own actions and reactions. Forgiveness and release are beautiful things...
Life is a journey: This may be obvious, but a startling realization dawned on me the other day. I discovered a lie that was affecting how I reacted to my circumstances, buried so deeply that I was practically unaware of it. Particularly in my marriage, but also in many other areas, I'd subconsciously been working, praying, trying, striving to get to a point where I could breathe a sigh of relief and say, "Ahhhh, we've arrived... From now on, this will be pure bliss!" It's pretty clear to me now that this will never be the case and is actually not the goal at all! I've constantly found myself working towards that, thinking we'd arrived, enjoying the few days/hours/moments of bliss, then being completely disillusioned when something happened (I think it's called life?) to interrupt the bliss and feeling slapped in the face when reality set in. It's sort of like when Peter and James and John witnessed the transfiguration of Jesus. After Jesus had blazed glory, Moses and Elijah appeared and talked with Him. Peter, likely totally blown away, wanted to stay put there on the mountain top, offered to build shelters for Jesus and Moses and Elijah so they could all stay and soak in the splendour a while longer. But that wasn't the plan; they were soon on their way back down the mountain, back to the realities of itinerant ministry. Mountain top experiences are wonderful, necessary even, but not where the real journey takes place. The real goal is growth, growing in grace and truth and trust and acceptance and love and understanding and perspective and patience.
This has been a real revelation for me; a significant clue to changing the way I react to my circumstances. And that's the goal, essentially what growth is; we very rarely can change either our circumstances or other people. (Believe me, I've tried!) :) I'm so thankful for the gift that this weekend has been! Thanks for letting me share it with you! May you know real joy today!
Forgiveness and release: Everyone and their dog has issues that stem from childhood, it's unavoidable. Unless we learn differently, we tend to persist in these patterns of behaviour right up into adulthood. An important step on the great and glorious path to freedom is recognizing the roots of those issues, laying it all on the cross, forgiving those involved that need forgiving and releasing them from further blame/responsibility for our misery, habit, issue, etc... There comes a time in each person's life when, regardless of our past, we need to assume responsibility for our own actions and reactions. Forgiveness and release are beautiful things...
Life is a journey: This may be obvious, but a startling realization dawned on me the other day. I discovered a lie that was affecting how I reacted to my circumstances, buried so deeply that I was practically unaware of it. Particularly in my marriage, but also in many other areas, I'd subconsciously been working, praying, trying, striving to get to a point where I could breathe a sigh of relief and say, "Ahhhh, we've arrived... From now on, this will be pure bliss!" It's pretty clear to me now that this will never be the case and is actually not the goal at all! I've constantly found myself working towards that, thinking we'd arrived, enjoying the few days/hours/moments of bliss, then being completely disillusioned when something happened (I think it's called life?) to interrupt the bliss and feeling slapped in the face when reality set in. It's sort of like when Peter and James and John witnessed the transfiguration of Jesus. After Jesus had blazed glory, Moses and Elijah appeared and talked with Him. Peter, likely totally blown away, wanted to stay put there on the mountain top, offered to build shelters for Jesus and Moses and Elijah so they could all stay and soak in the splendour a while longer. But that wasn't the plan; they were soon on their way back down the mountain, back to the realities of itinerant ministry. Mountain top experiences are wonderful, necessary even, but not where the real journey takes place. The real goal is growth, growing in grace and truth and trust and acceptance and love and understanding and perspective and patience.
This has been a real revelation for me; a significant clue to changing the way I react to my circumstances. And that's the goal, essentially what growth is; we very rarely can change either our circumstances or other people. (Believe me, I've tried!) :) I'm so thankful for the gift that this weekend has been! Thanks for letting me share it with you! May you know real joy today!
Sunday, July 24, 2011
The Top 10 Reasons Why I Shaved My Head
10. I've always wanted to be a "hat person".
9. My hair was driving me crazy.
8. I wanted to make a statement. (What statement exactly? Read on...)
7. I suspected I might have a decently-shaped head. (I think I do, head-dimple and all!)
6. I LOVE rubbing little boys' carpet heads. (Now I have my own!)
5. I've cut my showering time in half, as well as my towel useage.
4. I'd been considering doing it on-and-off for a couple of years now...
3. I was tired of trying to make my hair look ok, and constantly having the kids pull it or mess it up.
2. Long, thick hair is HOT! (not "smokin'-hot", but temperature "hot") AND...
1. It was a physical (drastic, obvious...) act that symbolizes my new beginning!
It's been a week since I took scissors and (10!) razors to my head to take it all off! I know, most of you think I'm crazy, but that's ok. I've discovered a lot of things about myself this week, and one is that I don't need any external confirmation to know that I'm ok. In fact, I know that I'm loved beyond measure, cherished, treasured, and unconditionally accepted by my Father, and that is enough for me. I have gone to great lengths in the past to try to please people and make them like me, and I hope I've taken another step toward being finished with that. (Though I am happy if you do like me - I like you, too!)
Surprisingly, I really like my new haircut! :) My only concern was that people would think I was sick. I didn't want to make anyone worry, so I always wore a hat when I went out. (Another related concern was sunburn - you've never seen anything as white as my white head, with a lovely red line down the middle where my part had been!) Well, last night I realized that I was acting like I was ashamed or embarassed by what I had done. So, in the middle of my walk along one of Port Hawkesbury's busiest streets (which really isn't that busy, but nevertheless...) I whipped off my hat and walked home proudly with my (nearly bald) head held high! AND, I went to church today - hatless. AND I was asked to lead part of the service, too... Yes, I received a few shocked/horrified looks (hard to differentiate) and a few barely-holding-back-a-laugh smiles, but I felt really good. It's part of what this is all about: freedom. Freedom from my own judgements, freedom from being defined by what others think, freedom from peer pressure (yes, it still exists at my age)... For me, shaving my head was a personal stance against conforming to the pattern of this world. I feel that I'm beginning the journey of being transformed by the renewing of my mind, and that this act would always remind me of my choice to do just that.
That being said, I'm not going to keep on shaving my head. I may very well keep my hair short for awhile, but I don't need to remain bald to remember my fresh start. A couple of startling joys: big fat rain pouring down on my head and my sons constantly rubbing it - it's been really fun! Not to mention the fact that it took my husband 4 days to be able to look at me without laughing...) I'm glad I did it.
And now, the moment you've all been waiting for (drumroll, please...):
9. My hair was driving me crazy.
8. I wanted to make a statement. (What statement exactly? Read on...)
7. I suspected I might have a decently-shaped head. (I think I do, head-dimple and all!)
6. I LOVE rubbing little boys' carpet heads. (Now I have my own!)
5. I've cut my showering time in half, as well as my towel useage.
4. I'd been considering doing it on-and-off for a couple of years now...
3. I was tired of trying to make my hair look ok, and constantly having the kids pull it or mess it up.
2. Long, thick hair is HOT! (not "smokin'-hot", but temperature "hot") AND...
1. It was a physical (drastic, obvious...) act that symbolizes my new beginning!
It's been a week since I took scissors and (10!) razors to my head to take it all off! I know, most of you think I'm crazy, but that's ok. I've discovered a lot of things about myself this week, and one is that I don't need any external confirmation to know that I'm ok. In fact, I know that I'm loved beyond measure, cherished, treasured, and unconditionally accepted by my Father, and that is enough for me. I have gone to great lengths in the past to try to please people and make them like me, and I hope I've taken another step toward being finished with that. (Though I am happy if you do like me - I like you, too!)
Surprisingly, I really like my new haircut! :) My only concern was that people would think I was sick. I didn't want to make anyone worry, so I always wore a hat when I went out. (Another related concern was sunburn - you've never seen anything as white as my white head, with a lovely red line down the middle where my part had been!) Well, last night I realized that I was acting like I was ashamed or embarassed by what I had done. So, in the middle of my walk along one of Port Hawkesbury's busiest streets (which really isn't that busy, but nevertheless...) I whipped off my hat and walked home proudly with my (nearly bald) head held high! AND, I went to church today - hatless. AND I was asked to lead part of the service, too... Yes, I received a few shocked/horrified looks (hard to differentiate) and a few barely-holding-back-a-laugh smiles, but I felt really good. It's part of what this is all about: freedom. Freedom from my own judgements, freedom from being defined by what others think, freedom from peer pressure (yes, it still exists at my age)... For me, shaving my head was a personal stance against conforming to the pattern of this world. I feel that I'm beginning the journey of being transformed by the renewing of my mind, and that this act would always remind me of my choice to do just that.
That being said, I'm not going to keep on shaving my head. I may very well keep my hair short for awhile, but I don't need to remain bald to remember my fresh start. A couple of startling joys: big fat rain pouring down on my head and my sons constantly rubbing it - it's been really fun! Not to mention the fact that it took my husband 4 days to be able to look at me without laughing...) I'm glad I did it.
And now, the moment you've all been waiting for (drumroll, please...):
The first day
The third day
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Pressing on...
Hello? Is anybody still there? You may (or may not) be wondering where I've been for the past eight months...Well, to sum up, I've: almost lost my marriage, gained 15 pounds, quit 2 jobs, celebrated my 13th wedding anniversary, finished out our first year of homeschooling, rescued a kitten, bought a trampoline, claimed a home office space, started a ministry, felt a call to start another, seriously considered shaving my head (still may!), fallen more in love with my hubby and kids, been exposed to insane amounts of wisdom and knowledge (and possibly absorbed a bit) and been learning to lean more and more on God's grace. It's been a wild ride, roller coaster-ish in the most cliche ways, up and down and up and down and around and around and around...
Fast-forward to today, July 16th, 2011. I'm feeling brand new, ready to roll, anticipating the next steps of the journey. (Yay!) I was driving home the other night from a few hours out with myself (courtesy of my dear hubby) when I found myself crying out to God with an honesty I'd never dared before. I confessed that I'd been trying to make it on my own for far too long, that to continue down the road I was on was going to kill me, spiritually and eventually, physically. I told Him that I quit; that I was (finally) ready for Him to really take control, really be in charge of my days, my decisions, my body, mind and spirit. "Body" is the real focus here; I'd never been actually willing to surrender my body to God. Food and I have had a very dysfunctional, distorted relationship for many years. I've recently come to realize that food has been my god, that I'd call on food for comfort, rejoice in food, reach for food in times of joy, sorrow, boredom, anger - you get the picture. And I was never really willing to let that go, the power that food has over me, no matter how much I knew I would benefit from letting go, no matter how much weight I gained, no matter how crappy I felt...because it was so good, whatever it was, right there in that moment. A couple of verses that I have known for 25 years have recently become my new inspiration:
Fast-forward to today, July 16th, 2011. I'm feeling brand new, ready to roll, anticipating the next steps of the journey. (Yay!) I was driving home the other night from a few hours out with myself (courtesy of my dear hubby) when I found myself crying out to God with an honesty I'd never dared before. I confessed that I'd been trying to make it on my own for far too long, that to continue down the road I was on was going to kill me, spiritually and eventually, physically. I told Him that I quit; that I was (finally) ready for Him to really take control, really be in charge of my days, my decisions, my body, mind and spirit. "Body" is the real focus here; I'd never been actually willing to surrender my body to God. Food and I have had a very dysfunctional, distorted relationship for many years. I've recently come to realize that food has been my god, that I'd call on food for comfort, rejoice in food, reach for food in times of joy, sorrow, boredom, anger - you get the picture. And I was never really willing to let that go, the power that food has over me, no matter how much I knew I would benefit from letting go, no matter how much weight I gained, no matter how crappy I felt...because it was so good, whatever it was, right there in that moment. A couple of verses that I have known for 25 years have recently become my new inspiration:
Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:1-2
These verses speak to me on so many levels, but what jumps out at me every time I read them is how connected the mind and body are. How do we transform our bodies? By the renewing of our minds! The pattern of this world is self-indulgence, over-indulgence. God has a different, better, plan for us! And it's a plan that involves sacrifice...how counter-cultural is that?! And that is true worship, offering up to Him that which we'd give anything to hold on to. But what do we receive as a result? Knowledge, wisdom! Who doesn't want to know God's will? He's telling us here how to tap into His very heart for us! It's all connected: body, mind and spirit.
I'm so excited! Excited to offer my body as a living sacrifice - can you believe it? I can't! For two days now (I know, it's not much, but it's a start!) I've been living according to this concept, and it has been transformational! I'm hungry, I'll admit it, but (and this may sound weird) it feels like a holy hunger, not just physical but spiritual, a hungering after God Himself...It's making me aware of Him and His presence with me and how He wants to fill me...
My dear friends, thank you so much for allowing me to share my journey with you! I'd appreciate your prayers, and I'd love to hear your stories and support you in prayer, too. See you soon! (sooner than 8 months, I hope and pray!) May you know real joy today!
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Breakthrough! (Where do I go from here?)
Wow, blogs sure can be a terrific source of guilt! Yes, it's been awhile and no I don't have any really good excuses and you can bet that it sure will happen again! :) But while the blogging has paused, the growth continues and I'm excited to share with those of you who happen upon this little corner of cyberspace.
I was talking with my husband the other night while driving home from Halifax (wow, was it good to be in a "real" mall again, even though we will forever be spoiled, mall-wise, from living so close to West Edmonton Mall for so many years...) and amid our many topics of conversation, I had a breakthrough! I realized that all my life, I've actually set myself up for failure. As I think back over the choices I've made, they've all been based on what was easiest, what would involve the least amount of hard work and obstacles to overcome, the path of least resistance. In other words, almost every choice I've made, big or small, has been based on fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of judgement, fear of caring, of making an effort and failing anyway... I had a really strong tendency, growing up, to only do that which I was naturally good at, and to quit at the first sign of looming obstacle or of possible failure. The most poignant example of this is my choice of college major. From as far back as I can remember, I was interested in psychology. I loved counselling, and did a lot of it in Jr. High and High School. But as university approached, I heard rumors that a certain required class - Statistics - was hard. That, and only that, was the reason I didn't major in psych. Instead I majored in English, one of the few "disciplines" that is almost entirely subjective! I didn't care about it, I didn't have any plans as to what I would do with it, no calling or lofty ambitions... I chose English because it was easy for me, writing good papers came quite naturally, I liked to read (not that I actually read many of the "required" texts), and there was NO MATH! As I'm writing this, I'm just shaking my head. What was I thinking?! (Just a note: no disrespect meant to the many English majors out there - I admire you tremendously for your passion and creativity!)
It's the same in relationships - I've almost always surrounded myself with people who are easy to be around, likable, friendly, accepting, emotionally stable (more or less)... I would run screaming (silently) from any relationship that might pose a threat, ie. that would require effort and/or authenticity. And I wouldn't even consider entering into a friendship with anyone who might be different in any major way from myself. And that worked just great for awhile. I had lots of good friends while growing up, in school and college. I was as close as was comfortable for me (though I realize now that there were some who wanted/needed to go deeper that I deliberately kept a distance - I sincerely apologize; I get it now!) But where does that leave me now? With no really close friendships, nobody to hang out with, nobody to call, nobody to pray for/with, nobody to go deeper with...(I exclude my husband and family here; this blog is just about me!) I'm not writing this to illicit your sympathy or pity, but to tell it like it is, to warn you about the dangers of living by fear and not faith, to encourage you (and me!) to live authentically, to love without fear, to let people know the real you.
So when I say I've been setting myself up for failure, I guess I mean ultimate failure. In the short term, only pursuing that at which you naturally excel produces much perceived success. But it's not the abundant life I'm looking for. I'm not sure what to do with this new insight into myself, but I want it to be a turning point, a catalyst for change. But I'm still fearful. What if people don't like the real me? What if I pursue what I really care about and end up a dismal failure? "But God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and self-discipline!" (2 Tim. 1:7, NIV + KJV) I don't want to live in fear! There's a Newsboys song the chorus of which I've kind of taken as my new motto:
"Dance like no one is looking;
Sing like no one will hear;
Love like you've never hurt before
Live like there's nothing to fear!"
If any of this strikes a chord with you, please let me know! I've appreciated so much all the feedback I've received from so many on similar journeys, and I've been so encouraged! Let's get real, People! Let's be the real people of God who live life in community and find hope and courage and healing together, and who reach out to a world that needs exactly that! May you know real joy today!
I was talking with my husband the other night while driving home from Halifax (wow, was it good to be in a "real" mall again, even though we will forever be spoiled, mall-wise, from living so close to West Edmonton Mall for so many years...) and amid our many topics of conversation, I had a breakthrough! I realized that all my life, I've actually set myself up for failure. As I think back over the choices I've made, they've all been based on what was easiest, what would involve the least amount of hard work and obstacles to overcome, the path of least resistance. In other words, almost every choice I've made, big or small, has been based on fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of judgement, fear of caring, of making an effort and failing anyway... I had a really strong tendency, growing up, to only do that which I was naturally good at, and to quit at the first sign of looming obstacle or of possible failure. The most poignant example of this is my choice of college major. From as far back as I can remember, I was interested in psychology. I loved counselling, and did a lot of it in Jr. High and High School. But as university approached, I heard rumors that a certain required class - Statistics - was hard. That, and only that, was the reason I didn't major in psych. Instead I majored in English, one of the few "disciplines" that is almost entirely subjective! I didn't care about it, I didn't have any plans as to what I would do with it, no calling or lofty ambitions... I chose English because it was easy for me, writing good papers came quite naturally, I liked to read (not that I actually read many of the "required" texts), and there was NO MATH! As I'm writing this, I'm just shaking my head. What was I thinking?! (Just a note: no disrespect meant to the many English majors out there - I admire you tremendously for your passion and creativity!)
It's the same in relationships - I've almost always surrounded myself with people who are easy to be around, likable, friendly, accepting, emotionally stable (more or less)... I would run screaming (silently) from any relationship that might pose a threat, ie. that would require effort and/or authenticity. And I wouldn't even consider entering into a friendship with anyone who might be different in any major way from myself. And that worked just great for awhile. I had lots of good friends while growing up, in school and college. I was as close as was comfortable for me (though I realize now that there were some who wanted/needed to go deeper that I deliberately kept a distance - I sincerely apologize; I get it now!) But where does that leave me now? With no really close friendships, nobody to hang out with, nobody to call, nobody to pray for/with, nobody to go deeper with...(I exclude my husband and family here; this blog is just about me!) I'm not writing this to illicit your sympathy or pity, but to tell it like it is, to warn you about the dangers of living by fear and not faith, to encourage you (and me!) to live authentically, to love without fear, to let people know the real you.
So when I say I've been setting myself up for failure, I guess I mean ultimate failure. In the short term, only pursuing that at which you naturally excel produces much perceived success. But it's not the abundant life I'm looking for. I'm not sure what to do with this new insight into myself, but I want it to be a turning point, a catalyst for change. But I'm still fearful. What if people don't like the real me? What if I pursue what I really care about and end up a dismal failure? "But God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and self-discipline!" (2 Tim. 1:7, NIV + KJV) I don't want to live in fear! There's a Newsboys song the chorus of which I've kind of taken as my new motto:
"Dance like no one is looking;
Sing like no one will hear;
Love like you've never hurt before
Live like there's nothing to fear!"
If any of this strikes a chord with you, please let me know! I've appreciated so much all the feedback I've received from so many on similar journeys, and I've been so encouraged! Let's get real, People! Let's be the real people of God who live life in community and find hope and courage and healing together, and who reach out to a world that needs exactly that! May you know real joy today!
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